Good news. I’ve made an app that allows you to use these drawings to tell your own story. It’s called TWURF, and acronym for The Way U Really Feel. It’s free. Tell your friends about it and ENJOY! Here’s the link to the app store:

 http://bit.ly/1oaa9SW

Halloween is coming, which means dressing up as something scary. I guess my greatest fear would be turning into that guy down the hall, who works in accounting, and has brought the same lunch of a tuna fish sandwich and Fig Newtons to work everyday for 32 years. Okay then, trick or treat.

Sometimes, when you need to change your train of thought, it helps to throw a ball up and down. If you don’t have a ball, you can make do with anything round that happens to be in your cubicle.

Growing up, my parents made me sit at least 6 feet away from the TV and limited my watching to about an hour a day. Now, to make a living, I sit a foot away from a computer screen and stare at it for about 9 hours a day. I wonder if the things I stop my kid from doing will one day become the profession of his generation, though at this point, I’m not sure exactly how talking to strangers and making fun of less fortunate people could become a profession. Oh wait, social networking. Never mind.

I remember it now. It all happened before I was born. My soul was in that way station between the cosmos and the corporeal world. I remember seeing this trail of light. I asked what’s that? And one of those lights told me, this is the line to be born an astronaut. Another trail of light I found out  was fellow souls waiting to be born a rock star. A guy near the front of the line said he had been waiting for his turn since Mozart was born. Everywhere there were lines that were decades, centuries, millennia long. It was like the cruelest amusement park ever. Man, I hate lines, I thought. It was at that moment that I decided become Random Guy Working in Business Park Experiencing Lifelong Existential Crisis.

I hate it when I fall asleep in my cup of coffee and my face gets all pruney.

I wanted to develop my art skills beyond drawing faces, but desperately needed to keep my office job. So I thought I would hire nude models to stand around my office, so that I could work on my figure drawing during down time. Unfortunately, I found I couldn’t afford a model, which is when Hank from the mailroom offered to drop trou after his rounds for free. I decided to just draw his face.

Stare into my polished scalp and I will show you the future. Not the distant future, mind you. More the future of right before you looked at it.

Boredom stretches time to an eternity. It can make a day feel endless, a week feel infinite, a year seem like the passing of an entire life. So basically, I’ve discovered the key to immortality. It’s working here. Thank you for that.

WHAT?!

Sometimes I wonder if by some fluke, I’ll be the fossil future alien civilizations dig up and base all their theories on who we were as a people. Then they’ll resurrect me and recreate the world they theorized, trying to restore what once was. Man, will I be pissed.

What do you mean I’m not allowed to slap the Junior Account Executive on the tush and call her toots? That sounds like ageism.

When I started this job last week, I was 27.

The Interwebs — it’s a cookbook!  It’s a cookbook!!!!!

Well that meeting seemed to last an eternity.